just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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