He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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