when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
