kristin has been a bad kristin
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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