I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
