I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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