just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
