he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
