every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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