i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
