I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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