I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
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There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
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IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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