This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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