Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
