im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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