dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.