is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
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I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
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Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?