i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.