My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD