My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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