That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
