so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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