If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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