now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
