i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
