My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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