She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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