she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize