my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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