I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
