I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Randomize
