She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Oh god it's open bar.
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