we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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