My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.