She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Wonâ€™t Believe
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.