i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
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He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
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Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.