i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
