I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
