I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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