my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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