girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
