He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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