How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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