wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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