the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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