Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
