Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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