Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
