: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
