did you get engaged???
i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
