Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
