And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
two words: eviction party
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
