I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
