I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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