proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
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Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
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Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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