the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
