well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
