just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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