i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
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It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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