I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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