I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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