im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
