Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Randomize
