her vagine was all disorganized.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
