My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
