Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
